


Baby Please Don't Go

by aegicheezu



Category: Jrock, X JAPAN
Genre: M/M, References to Depression, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 11:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11530959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: X-Japan will be disbanding soon, but does that mean that Yoshiki and Hide must also part ways?*Set: 1997.Hide is capitalised for ease of reading.





	Baby Please Don't Go

“Will you come over tonight? There’s something…” Hide’s voice trailed off. He curled the phone cord in his fingers tightly. Nervous. 

“Yes, sure.” Yoshiki answered, without needing to hear the rest. “See you soon.” Smiling, he hung up. _I know something’s wrong,_ he thought. _But at least he wants to see me._

Yoshiki took his car to Hide’s place, half excited to see his band-mate and half dreading it. Things had been a little off since they had discussed disbanding. Everyone had sort of retreated into themselves, even though it has been a group decision. Now, they were in a creative hiatus, sorting themselves out for what might come next, before they began to practice for their last show. 

 _“It hasn’t been so bad, has it?”_ Yoshiki wondered aloud. He fiddled with the radio, unable to settle on a station. He could feel himself growing more and more anxious. The drive wasn’t long, but tonight it felt interminable. He couldn’t help but let the memories of past performances slip in and out of his busy mind - the beginnings, in various basements, playing with different visuals; arguing with producers; holding each other’s masses of hair in place as another member used up whole cans of hairspray. Yoshiki let himself remember the first time he did Hide’s makeup for a show - how close their faces were! He was nervous about his hot breath messing with the powder he’d just applied to his face, eyes wide with nerves and excitement. Yoshiki remembered how they all had downed two cans of cheap beer one after the other before their first big show, just to calm their nerves. _You never forget the rush of your first show, do you_ , he thought happily. 

Before he knew it, he found himself in front of Hide’s apartment complex. Taking out his key, he ascended the outdoor steps up towards his bandmate’s place. The summer night air smelled soft and green. "Ah!" He said. About halfway up the stairs, he decided to go back down and get supplies from the convenience store next to the building. _Beer, cigarettes, snacks_ , he kept repeating to himself. Even though both men were over 30, they still enjoyed relaxing like teenagers. 

Paying the cashier, he left the small shop with full bags, heavy with the promise of a fun evening. 

Ascending the stairs a second time, he checked his watch. Just a little after 10pm, later than he’d said he’d arrive. But that didn’t often matter to Hide. He didn’t knock as he turned the key, instead simply announcing his presence softly. “Hide,” he sing-songed, “I’m here.” 

A very relaxed Hide greeted him from the sofa, raising one arm and nodding. “Yo,” he replied, “you’re late.”

“Ah, sorry,” Yoshiki was taken slightly aback. Hide didn’t usually care. “I was caught up, buying snacks,” he presented the full plastic bags. Hide, smiling jokingly, took them. 

“I’m kidding, just sit. Have a drink,” he tossed Yoshiki a cool can of beer, and patted the sofa next to where he sat. Yoshiki obliged. 

“So, what’s up?” Hide asked, taking a long sip. 

“You’re the one that called me here, Hide,” Yoshiki gently reminded him, smiling. He nudged the other’s arm with his. 

“Oh, that’s right, isn’t it?” Hide smiled. He twirled a long strand of his hair, freshly re-dyed electric pink. His eyes seemed to darken in an instant, and he couldn’t meet Yoshiki’s gaze. 

Yoshiki, sharp as ever, noticed the other’s change in mood. “What is it?” He turned where he sat so that his whole body faced the other. “Is everything alright?”

As if being asked that was the final straw, suddenly, Hide began to cry softly. 

“Oh, Hide…” Yoshiki drew the other man close, stroking his hair. “What on earth is it? Please talk to me…” Hide buried his face in the other’s shoulder, his body beginning to shake. 

“I’m sorry,” he kept repeating. “I’m sorry…”

“Why?” Yoshiki asked, bewildered. “You haven’t done anything wrong!” 

“I guess I’m just not handling things well…” 

“Hey,” Yoshiki rubbed his back. “We’re all dealing with it in different ways,” he explained, “this isn’t easy for any of us.”

“Yeah, but looks like I’m the only one crying in front of our leader, huh?” He wiped his tears away carelessly, sniffling. Yoshiki smiled warmly at him. He hugged Hide tightly, and whispered into his hair, “don’t worry, you don’t have to hide anything from me. I won’t leave you.”

“Is that a promise?” Hide asked. 

“Of course it is.” Yoshiki patted the other’s head. Hide smiled, looking the other in the eye finally. “Listen,” he continued, “You know you can tell me anything. Okay? I know sometimes you get sad and it’s hard to climb out of those moments. I understand. Believe me.” _Of course I understand,_ Yoshiki repeated in his mind. _Depression is hard for even the strongest among us. And Hide… he’s strong, but so… so soft, too… was he always like this? Since we were young…_

“Listen…” Hide began, breathing steady at last. His tear-streaked cheeks had lost the pink of crying. “I have to tell you something, but you have to promise me not to be angry.”

Yoshiki smiled. “Are we kids, all of a sudden?” he laughed warmly. “I promise not to get mad at you, Hide.” He stroked the other man’s arm softly. “Go on.”

“I…” Hide started, looking at the floor so intently that it might have burst into flames. “Lately, I… I’ve been thinking of you.”

“Oh?” Yoshiki questioned. What’s this about? He thought. 

“Thinking about everything we’ve been through, as friends, as band-mates, from the very beginning…” he continued, still unable to break his staring contest with the floor. 

“We’ve certainly been through a lot,” Yoshiki tried to help. “I was thinking of that on the way here, actually. Remembering some of our best times.” 

“Please... Tell me something good,” Hide asked, “tell me one of your favourite memories, of just the two of us?”

Yoshiki hummed, as he thought. He tossed his head back against the edge of the sofa. Staring at the ceiling, he said, “Hmmm... do you remember, one of our first practices? Just you and me? We had finally been able to rent a space for a few hours… we’d been drinking a bit,” he paused to laugh a little, remembering. “After a few minutes, do you remember, the old woman that came knocking so loudly at the warehouse door?”

“She was so mad!” Hide laughed. “ _What do you think you’re doing_?!” He mimicked. “ _I have to use this space for a flower-arranging class_!”

“ _What’s wrong with your hair_?!” They said in unison, and burst out laughing. 

“Do you remember what you said to her, Hide?” Yoshiki resumed his story-telling. He smiled. “You were so bold! You said, ‘ _listen, lady, we’re gonna be rock stars one day. We’re gonna be famous_!’ I was mortified.”

Hide laughed at the memory. “I was so embarrassed after that, though, like almost immediately. I wanted to run after her an apologise.”

“But you didn’t!”

“But I didn’t.”

“Instead, you continued playing.”

“I was such a rude kid, huh?”

“Nah. She was the rude one.”

 

They laughed.

 

“That was a nice memory,” Hide said after a short comfortable silence. “I’d nearly forgotten about that.”

“Were you in the mood to remember things?” Yoshiki asked. “Is that why you wanted me to come over?” He opened another can of beer for Hide, who took it. The night seemed at once imaginary, and unbearably present. 

“Yeah,” Hide answered quietly. “I also…” he spoke almost in a whisper. “I also wanted to ask you something.” He inhaled sharply. 

“Oh?” 

“I’ve wondered, for a long time,” he began, “I’ve wondered for a long time whether there was something wrong with me…”  
  
“For what? There’s nothing wrong with you…” Yoshiki was surprised. 

“Yoshiki!” Hide interrupted his friend’s murmur. “I know there’s nothing wrong with me!” He seemed surprised by the sudden raise in his voice. “Sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Yoshiki didn’t seem bothered. “I’m sorry. Keep going.” What’s going on? He thought. 

“I wondered, for a long time, if there was something wrong with me,” he continued. “I know now that there’s nothing wrong with me. But…” he paused, taking another long sip of his beer. “But, I’m worried that you might think there’s something the matter with me, if I tell you…”

“Tell me what?” despite his concern, Yoshiki found himself growing a little impatient. 

“Tell you how I really feel about you.”

“How you really…?”

 

a pause. 

 

“I love you.”

another pause. 

 

“You what?”

“I’ve loved you since we were young. Since the first time I heard you play. Since you asked me to make a band with you. Since…” Hide’s voice trailed off. He returned his steel-gaze to the floor. “Since the start.”

“Oh, Hide…” Yoshiki breathed. _I wonder what’s brought this on?_ He thought. _Is it because we’re disbanding? Because he wants to hold on to me…? What is this…_

He drew Hide close. _Can he feel my heart beating?_ “Hide…”

“You don’t feel the same, do you?” Hide sounded resigned to his fate. “I’ve just ruined everything…”

Before he had time to think, Yoshiki kissed Hide softly. Hide’s eyes stayed open in surprise. 

“What…?” He seemed dumbstruck. 

“Hide,” Yoshiki whispered, lips just a breath apart, “Hide… how long have you wanted to tell me this?”

“…Years, probably.” He sighed. “But… you? Really? You’re not playing a joke on me?”

“Of course I love you, you idiot.”

Hide play-hit Yoshiki’s arm. “Don’t call me names now!” He teased. “I’m raw and emotional and just been kissed by the man I’ve loved silently for years…”

“Years, huh…” Yoshiki repeated, softly. _I suppose I’ve loved him for that long, too... why didn't I know that?_

Hide ventured another kiss. He rested one hand on top of Yoshiki’s, and the other he placed tentatively cupping his face. Deepening the kiss, Yoshiki braced Hide’s neck. 

“Is that okay…?” Hide asked, tentatively. “I don’t want things to change…” He kissed him again. “I want you to always stay by my side…” overcome, he kissed along Yoshiki’s jaw. 

“I will never leave you…” Yoshiki whispered between kisses. “I promise.” 

“When the morning comes…” Hide said, “please don’t go.”

“I’ll stay forever, if you want me to.” 

“Promise?”

“Promise.”


End file.
